dearest friend

Do you ever feel like you want to represent something different than what most people think you to be? This is true of myself. I am guilty of being quite jovial at times as to avoid unnecessary silence or potentialy awkward situations. Taking the ruin of others inept ability to converse in an enlightening and cordial manner upon myself and thus causing a meaningless volume of chit chat. And as a result I have become rather well known for my...active...personality. However this is not the real me. I am a philosopher. A scientist. A reader. A builder. A writer. Brilliant in my own sphere of intellect. Challenged by none, revered by all. ha ha ha I pride myself every time I look into the mirrior and see what those around me do not. So carefully hidden under a mask as if I were a joke jockey at a masquerade. Back to the moral of this now monsterous apothegm!! Which is; sometimes I get the chance to take off that mask and make an attempt at showing my "true colors." And sadly those who I think would be impressed by my wit and charm are somehow turned away from that which I thought was magnifique. Do not be fooled, I do not like the French. Nevertheless, I am seen as one who is too austere or serious. Either I wear the face of a stooge and am thought a complete idiot or I wear the face the protagonist Mr. Darcy and am thought a arrogant condescending jerk. I find it interesting that I want to shed the face of entertainment as to prove myself worth more than a few jokes and as I do I get the guilt of not being pleasant in nature. And therein lies the irony.....and the paradox.

Addendum 1) The purpose of the last note was to show the struggle that I secretly have within myself in regards to a "friend" whom I desperately wish to impress. And so the lesson learned is that one must find balance of personality if one wishes to become desirable to another.

Addendum 2) In economics we would call this maximizing the opportunity cost on a production possibility or in this case a production personality curve.