biography for sale

I am interesting. Odd perhaps, but interesting. When I can afford it, I will hire an author to question me until blue in the face and then write a book about my philosophy and interests and well whatever he can con me into saying. :) Perhaps there will be little quotes and things of interest in little places all over the book. Things that I have done or am doing. Like tonight, I cut out secret compartment in a dictionary so I can keep secret things of hidden importance inside. That is all.

one of those bummer moments

I always seem one way and yet I really am always another. My intentions are always pure, but people never look long enough to comprehend all that there is to see.

if's

If someone needs help, I help them.
If I help someone, I expect something in return.
If I get something in return, I do not want it.
If I do not want it, I ask for friendship.
If I get friendship, I expect real friends.
If I get real friends, then they will see the real me.
If they see the real me, then they will know I love them.
If they know I love them, they know I would always respect them.
If they know I respect them, they should respect me.
If they respect me, then they will try to understand me.
If they understand me, they will know I am sensitive.
If they know I'm sensitive...why do they make jokes at my expense?
If they make jokes at my expense, maybe they don't know I'm sensitive?
If they don't know I'm sensitive, maybe they don't understand me?
If they don't understand me, maybe they won't try to understand me?
If they don't try to understand me, maybe they don't respect me?
If they don't respect me, then maybe I shouldn't respect them?
If I don't respect them, then maybe I don't love them?
If I don't love them, then maybe they won't see the real me?
If they don't see the real me, then maybe we're not real friends?
If we're not real friends, then maybe I shouldn't expect real friends?
If I don't expect real friends, then maybe I should not have friendships?
If I don't have friendships, then maybe I don't want them?
If I don't want them, then maybe I should not get something in return?
If I don't get something in return, then maybe I shouldn't help people?
If I don't help people, then maybe they will stop needing my help?

dearest friend

Do you ever feel like you want to represent something different than what most people think you to be? This is true of myself. I am guilty of being quite jovial at times as to avoid unnecessary silence or potentialy awkward situations. Taking the ruin of others inept ability to converse in an enlightening and cordial manner upon myself and thus causing a meaningless volume of chit chat. And as a result I have become rather well known for my...active...personality. However this is not the real me. I am a philosopher. A scientist. A reader. A builder. A writer. Brilliant in my own sphere of intellect. Challenged by none, revered by all. ha ha ha I pride myself every time I look into the mirrior and see what those around me do not. So carefully hidden under a mask as if I were a joke jockey at a masquerade. Back to the moral of this now monsterous apothegm!! Which is; sometimes I get the chance to take off that mask and make an attempt at showing my "true colors." And sadly those who I think would be impressed by my wit and charm are somehow turned away from that which I thought was magnifique. Do not be fooled, I do not like the French. Nevertheless, I am seen as one who is too austere or serious. Either I wear the face of a stooge and am thought a complete idiot or I wear the face the protagonist Mr. Darcy and am thought a arrogant condescending jerk. I find it interesting that I want to shed the face of entertainment as to prove myself worth more than a few jokes and as I do I get the guilt of not being pleasant in nature. And therein lies the irony.....and the paradox.

Addendum 1) The purpose of the last note was to show the struggle that I secretly have within myself in regards to a "friend" whom I desperately wish to impress. And so the lesson learned is that one must find balance of personality if one wishes to become desirable to another.

Addendum 2) In economics we would call this maximizing the opportunity cost on a production possibility or in this case a production personality curve.

to align our fate

there is great work ahead of one who arrogantly believes they can align the fate of two souls in this vast earth. like faith they hope for things that are not seen. they also believe them to be true. however unlike faith they may be in err. i have found this true on many occasions. i see a lady. or perhaps a girl who i think to be a lady. either way, i see her and without approach or introduction i attempt to notice the things that she secretly wishes those around her would notice. for all have things they wish others would see in themselves. yet as i quietly peak and pry into who i assume she is, i build her as a character, much like one would read about in a great book. a book like Pride and Prejudice. where in your mind each individual gains complexity and personality as you read...however in most books your assumptions are usually wrong. this also is generally true in our ever so non-fictional lives. we want to believe one thing about people we do not know and are all to often left wanting.

the point that i am greatly attempting to exaggerate is this: i see a girl, i hope she is the theoretical girl of my dreams, i discover her real interest, i meet her, she does not see the vision i see, i am a loser with a lot of now wasted time

here is a list of things that have recently transpired....all done to get her attention without actual face-to-face interaction

I actually deleted this list, because after reading it all the way through at this later date(1/30/08)...I have realized the relative unimportance of what I did. And that the real principle to be learned is found below in the original last paragraph.

simply put, i am agitated that whenever i try to go the extra mile, it is unrecognized or ignored...and the irony sadly is that when girls have done this same thing for me, it likewise goes unrecognized or ignored. and this is my lesson learned.....

il passer vicino

I recently saw you from a far,
But not too far as to not speak,
Yet nothing on my lips that could prevail,
Whilst I stood there a passer-by.

Like the breeze that does not stop,
Like the train that whistles past,
Not one glance your eyes did make,
Whilst I stood there a passer-by.

Wondering waiting I did do,
The color yours eyes I could not tell,
Green or Hazel I speculate,
Whilst I stood there a passer-by.

The day was beautiful,
Much to pretty to walk alone,
Step by step you crossed my path,
Whilst I stood there a passer-by.

Perhaps someday our feet will sync,
Walking in the same direction,
Never to be left alone,
And we shall ever pass no more.

truth be told....

deep down i've always wanted people to look a little deeper and see the real me. the more i've talked with others about this subject, the more so it has become apparent that i am not alone in my hopes that others will look just a moment longer into my eyes and see what i hide. this is why i never post things of a poignant nature on public display to my friends on social networks such as facebook or myspace. however after much consideration i have decided that i would post things of such here, on this blog, and not tell a soul about it. and if perhaps you are reading this, it is out of sheer coincidence to the fact that you and i are aquaintences. or perhaps we know each other not at all and most certainly not because i have pointed you in this direction. for i never will reveal to another that i have written this page about myself and things. and so here goes........